PAIN IS A SIGN THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG

April 27, 2022 / Deb Dredden /

Have you ever seen the ‘check engine’ light on your car’s dashboard? Or perhaps felt those knife-blade sharp pains after a particularly rigorous workout? Or the sadness you feel after an argument with someone you love? Maybe you’re angry and frustrated following a critical conversation with someone at work. Those are all signs that something is likely wrong and needs to be fixed. Many times we choose to dwell on how we feel in those moments, about how we’re hurt, or what was unfair, how mad we are…etc. We focus on the painful emotion and seldom get to the potential transformational growth that is buried in these real life experiences.

Yet it’s that same pain that can be a catalyst for growth in our lives if we allow it to.

I often work with Clients who are debilitated by the pain they feel, be it from a perceived slight from a coworker, or a sharp word from a boss, much less from a spouse/partner/friend. While these moments are uncomfortable, and sometimes gut-wrenching, they can also be moments of significant growth in our lives if we allow them to.

Think back on your own life- it’s highly likely that almost all of the lasting learning lessons we’ve internalized resulted out of painful experiences. There’s a reason why the slogan, ‘No Pain, No Gain’ has such lasting traction. Because it’s true.

So how does one maneuver through the emotional wounds from these experiences to get to the clear-headed thinking about what can be gained from the pain?

Here are 5 tips:

1. Begin with the knowledge that something good CAN indeed come from what you’re going through. Remember, you’ve been here before! Make a list of 2 – 3 times in your life where you’ve experienced significant growth- what were the circumstances? How did you feel going through those times? What was the learning that came from it? How has that learning positively impacted your life since that point?

2. Get past the messenger or the delivery to the intended message. So often we get jammed up with our feelings being hurt that we lose complete sight of the nugget of wisdom or potential learning that’s being shared with us. Here’s a simple example from my own life. Several years ago, as I was being groomed to take on more responsibility in one of my executive leadership roles, I had a boss pull me aside after a meeting. He wanted to give me feedback on how I conducted myself during that meeting- essentially, he told me that I was taking too long to get into the strategic conversations, and not only that, when I did contribute, my words were being perceived as confrontational and judgmental. “But boss, I need time to process what’s being said to formulate my thoughts so that they are value-added, not just noise”, I said. “Process faster or you’ll never earn the right to sit at this table at the next level”, he replied.

Ouch. That did not feel good. Yet as I reflected on the conversation, I asked myself what behaviors I recognized in his feedback.

3. Which is the next tip- ask yourself the tough questions and own the answers. What is the truth in the feedback? In what ways can this feedback contribute to my growth, and ultimately to how I impact other people? How can I benefit from applying this feedback? In the example I just shared, I had to be honest with myself that what my boss said had real value. While he was sharing opinions, there was truth in those thoughts. I DID need to contribute in the moment of key conversations- if I waited until I’d sorted out all my possible responses, and possible responses to my responses, too much time would pass and I’d miss my opportunity to contribute- to add value. I DID have to process and speak up FASTER. As far as the judgmental viewpoint, I learned to ask questions vs. always offering an opinion first. This would enable me to understand how others were thinking about things, which ironically, became the foundation for my eventual transition to high-performance coaching. I might not be writing to you right now had I chosen to ignore this feedback because I was unable to get past the sting of the initial conversation.

4. Circle back to the person/people who shared the painful words and thank them. YEP. Thank them. Especially those people who you value most in your life. Let them know how much you appreciate their honesty and directness. Tell them what you’ve learned from the exchange and how you’re applying it to your life. Very few people take this step because it requires humility, personal courage, and authenticity. Don’t have the conversation if you don’t mean it- the insincerity will be evident if that’s the case. But when you DO approach these moments in the spirit of healing, amazing things can transpire, including the healing of relationships, deepening of trust, furthering the ability to have meaningful conversations in the future, and certainly the growth that will be evident in your own life.

5. Lastly, consistently apply this learning so that it becomes a new, healthy habit that serves you, and others. You become an example for others to follow. As a Leader, there are few lessons you can teach your team and organization that will impact their growth more than the ability to learn from pain.

You don’t have to let pain derail you. You don’t have to be crippled by tough, even unfair conversations. You get to choose your response in those moments!